


Pick Up My Pieces

by hogwartsschoolofanime



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Victuri, Vikturi, it gets fluffy though I promise, slight angst, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-22 04:09:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9582989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hogwartsschoolofanime/pseuds/hogwartsschoolofanime
Summary: Ever since Viktor came to Japan from Russia to be Yuri's coach, everything seems to be getting better. He's skating brilliantly and thinks he's finally found a purpose; someone to skate for. He should have known it couldn't last. After fighting for so long to no avail it seems like there's only one thing left to do.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was written before the finale so let's just consider this to have happened at some point between episode 5 and the Cup of China

“I can’t do this anymore! Stop trying to fix me! I’m broken.”

My last words before I ran away are still ringing in my ears. I hate it. I hate the fighting and the yelling and the harsh words. I hate the nights spent alone in my room, crying myself to sleep. I hate the endless nothing in my head, that voice telling me I’m not good enough for him, that my mistakes reflect on him, that Viktor regrets becoming my coach. No matter how many times he tells me that I’m doing great, that he’s so glad to have come, that the voice is lying and wrong, it won’t stop. It eats at me, small bits at a time, until I am nothing but an empty shell, hollow and echoing with words unsaid. The only time I can get it to stop, to leave me alone, is when I skate. It’s why I practise so much. The times when all I think about is the next jump and the step sequence are a blessing, a light in the fog. They make everything seem alright. But then the song ends and I have to remember my life. And that goddamn voice creeps back in, pulling, pushing, prodding, eating me away. 

I collapse at the top of the hill, realising that I ran all the way across town. I used to come here with my parents to watch the sunset when I was a kid. Back in those days when my biggest problems were what was for dinner and if I would get that toy I wanted. It’s been awhile since I last came here, but it hasn’t changed all that much. The old tree is still the same, the sound of the ocean still roars in my ears. The Sun is just about to set; it streaks the sky with orange and yellow. Leaves crunch as I sit down, leaning against the tree. I see hearts carved in with couples initials inside and my name. I remember when my dad put that there; I must have been only six. “Here Yuri, now the tree will remember you forever.” I touch the marks, tracing the outline with my fingers. So much has changed since that day. As I look around, I try to remember everything around me: the way the light catches on the coloured leaves, making them seem to be on fire, the smell of the ocean, the sound of the waves and the wind. The town is so peaceful at this time, it looks like a place from a movie. I can see hot springs and the rink from over here. For a moment, I briefly wonder what Viktor is doing before shaking my head and scoffing slightly. Even now, I can’t get him out of my head. I picture the way his stupidly perfect hair falls over his eyes, how he smiles when I land a jump, like he couldn’t be happier. 

I wasn’t crying before, but now the tears start falling. I’m not sad, exactly, just angry at the unfairness of it all. I’ve never thought this was the best solution, in fact I put it off for years. But everything else I’ve tried has failed. I can’t spend my entire life on the ice, no matter how much I want to. I don’t really want to die, but no one can save me. I know suicide is just passing the pain to someone else, but I can’t deal with it anymore. That little voice is in my head, just begging me to do it. It wants me to join it, it tells me things no one should ever hear. And I’m not strong enough to ignore it anymore. I take a deep breath and walk over to the edge of the cliff. The waves crash against the jagged rocks below, but I’m not scared of them. They seem welcoming. Like they want me to come join them. Everyone seems to be saying that lately, but it never seems to be true. A gentle breeze passed through my hair, caressing my tear stained cheeks. It too seems to think this is a good idea. It beckons me ever closer to the edge. It makes me laugh softly. My family has always told me I was a fighter, that I never give up. I suppose it’s true in some respects. I trained really hard to learn Viktors choreographies and it helped me fight that void for a while. But in the end, here I am, on the edge of a cliff with the wind whispering sweet nothings in my ear and the waves edging me on. Guess I’m not that strong after all. 

If the wind is being so nice, I’m sure it will send a message for me. I place my words carefully on it’s back; I trust it will know who to bring them to. I tell my parents how thankful I am, how without them, I wouldn’t have made it even this far. I tell Yuko how grateful I am to her for introducing me to Viktor and skating like him, she showed me what I could do. I thank Minako for pushing me into skating and for teaching me so much. I thank all the skaters I competed against, even Yurio. Without him, I never would have had the confidence to try and win Viktor. “Thanks guys. You were all great. You helped me so much and I will never be able to thank you enough. But I can’t do it. I can’t keep fighting anymore. I - I’m sorry.” My voice breaks and I bow my head in shame. After all they’ve done, I’m still too weak to fight it. 

“Yuri.” I nearly jump out of my skin and fall of the clif. That would be a pretty big anti-climax. I know that voice. I could recognise it in huge crowd. Normally, I would be delighted and more that a little embarrassed to hear him, but today I can’t stand it. Why does he have to make this so difficult? I sigh but don’t turn around. “Go home Viktor. There’s nothing you can do.”  
“Do you really think I’m just going leave you here, alone? You know that’s not my style.” I can practically hear the cheeky grin and the wink in his voice. Without really meaning too, I glance at him, just for a second. If I didn’t know him as well as I do, it would seem like this isn’t affecting him at all, like this is a minor inconvenience that can be fixed in the blink of an eye. But I know better. I see how he’s standing, like he’s ready to jump forward at any given moment. I see how he tries to cover up his emotions with jokes and charming smiles. In that second that I looked at him, I saw the hurt, the pain, the disappointment. I turn away. 

“Were you going to mention me at all?,” he questions, “I mean, I have been your coach for almost six months now, and you’ve idolised me for years before that. Is it wrong to think that I had at least a small amount of impact on your life?” Too anyone else, it’s a joke, a jab of humour to lighten the mood, but to me it’s a statement of pain, of rejection. It screams “Am I really worth so little? Do you really not care at all?” It makes me turn around to look at him. He seems to have that effect on me quite a lot. I find myself staring at his cheekbones, his lips, his eyes. And that bloody hair that keeps falling into his face. It catches the light and turns a brilliant silver gold that takes my breath away and makes my heart pound. How could I ever be worthy of someone like him? How could he ever think of me as an inspiration, a person worth noticing? There are so many things I want to tell him. So many things, but the words keep getting caught in my throat. 

I want to tell him how much he’s impacted my life, how even buying a poodle was because of him. I want to tell him that the reason I trained was to become like him, to meet him, to compete with him. How I pushed myself to become better, faster, stronger. How when I was young, I watched him through the TV screen and thought about how amazing he was and how I wanted to be just like him. I want to tell him about the times after competitions where he would smile at me and I would stay up all night thinking about it, even though I knew he smiled at everyone, because he was just that kind of person. I want to tell him about how I thought this stupid school girl crush would pass and then I would see him again and I felt like I was falling. I want to tell him how much I denied it because I knew he would never even think about looking at me twice. But then he came all the way to Japan because “my skating inspired him” and I began to let myself dream. Just a bit, but still enough that I caught myself staring and getting lost in daydreams. With him, I started to skate better than I ever had before, because I finally had a reason, because I finally had someone to skate for. Everything felt good, I thought I had beaten that little voice. But it came back, slowly at first, but then it just kept getting worse, until I couldn’t even go a day without it telling me that I wasn’t good enough, that this was all a joke and that I would never deserve this for real. I tried so hard to fight it, because now I had someone to skate for and I couldn’t lose that because of a stupid voice. But fighting it was like trying to empty the ocean; as soon as I got rid of a little bit, more and more came to replace it. I want to tell him that this isn’t what I want. But I don’t say any of that. I just stare at the horizon and try to stifle my tears. I don’t want to make this difficult for him, too. 

“Well, if you’re going to be so persistent about it, I guess I have no other choice.” I don’t register the meaning of the words until I hear leaves crunch and see Viktor standing beside me, eyeing the drop. He sees the look on my face and reads it exactly. “You’re confused and worried. Don’t be. As much as I’d rather not have it come to this, it’s my duty as a coach to stay with you until the end. So if you’re so hellbent on jumping, that means I am too. You’re not getting rid of me so easily, little piggy.” I want to slap (or maybe kiss) that cocky smirk of his face. Does he not understand what’s going on? This isn’t a joke. He can’t really mean what he’s saying, can he? “You think I don’t understand what you’re feeling.” It isn’t a question. He sighs.  
“It’s true that I will never experience something the exact same way you do Yuri. No human can truly understand another. However, one can live through something similar and try to relate with somebody else. I would much appreciate it if you delayed your fall for a few minutes, just to see if my story helps me understand you.  
“Something I’m sure you can understand Yuri, is my love for skating. How I live and breath it. How I have poured my blood, sweat and tears into it. Without it, I have no idea where I would be. But I’m getting older, and people are getting tired of me. Nothing I do is new anymore, all of my inspiration has been used up. No matter what I do, nobody is surprised. All the attention is on the young skaters, like you. As it should be; that’s how the world runs. But I can’t help but be jealous. I can’t help missing the feeling of finishing a skate and hearing the crowd. The feeling that this is what they will remember of me. I can make them feel emotions they never knew existed, just through my skating. I’m in love with it. But my days on the ice are numbered, and soon everybody will have moved on. It crushes me that I am over, that I can’t do what I love anymore. Of course I’ll still skate, but it’s different, you know? People move on. Such is the rule of the universe. I know this is very unlike your problems, but I feel our mutual love for skating can maybe bring me closer to understanding.” He turns to face me, and I notice the tears on his cheeks. “Tell me Yuri. Is my love for skating equal to yours? Would you not do anything for it?” 

I reach out with my hand to brush his tears away, but he grabs it and keeps it against his face, closing his eyes and kissing my palm. “Can you fight just a little longer? I know it’s hard, but I’ll be with you every step of the way. Think of nights spent choosing music for a program, of pork cutlet bowls and warm tea. Think about your family and your friends and that moment when the entire audience is captivated by you. Think about snow in the winter and cherry blossoms in the spring. Think about the euphoria of landing a hard jump. Think about how many perfect moments you’ll miss if you leave. Those things will never be the same without you. Never.” He raises his voice at the end and grabs me by the shoulders, pulling me closer until our foreheads are touching. “Yuri… Please. Fight it. Fight it for skating. Fight it for me.” His whisper is so quiet I can barely hear it. Those words have struck a chord within me, the love and sorrow they carry make me implode. I think that, for Viktor, I can fight it. With Viktor, I can beat it.  
I look into his eyes. They flash a million shades of blue at once: sapphire and turquoise and sky and lapis and arctic all at once. They’re so deep, I feel like I’m looking into the bottom of the ocean, or maybe the centre of the universe. It seems we spend forever just looking at each other, and yet it seems like no time at all. He likes his lips, just a tick, nothing meant to be seductive, but it breaks some wall within me. I grab him by the collar; before I have time to think this through, I kiss him with all I have. I try to convey everything in that kiss; my love for him, for skating. How grateful I am he showed up. For a second, he doesn’t react, just enough time for me to start panicking. But then he relaxes and starts to kiss me back and I swear fireworks go off in my mind. My heart is racing and I can hardly breath but I don’t ever want this to end. His hands inch up from my shoulders to my neck, then weave into my hair. All of his actions are hesitant at first, but I grab his hair and make him do whatever I want. Embarrassingly, it’s my first kiss. But damn is it good. Despite that, Viktor lets me take charge; he’s like putty under my hands. My wishes are his command. I could get used to this feeling of power and the small noises he makes in his throat when I tug his head this way and that. But suddenly, all the reality comes rushing back. I push him away, maybe a little bit to roughly, but he grabs my arms to avoid stumbling. We’re both panting, out of breath. He lifts his hand, slowly, to my face, as if he’s afraid I’ll shatter if he moves to quickly but wants to make sure I’m real. 

I try to keep them in, I really do, but I can’t help it. Big, ugly sobs rip through my body and I collapse onto the ground, near the tree that I’ve known since I was small. Viktor drops beside me and envelops me in a suffocating hug. My tears soak through his scarf, but I don’t think he minds. He just holds me and whispers my name, a mantra of ‘Yuri’ and ‘it’s going to be alright’ and ‘I’ve got you now’. Coming from him, it sounds like a prayer, or something he mustn’t forget. I hope he never forgets me. I feel like a child again, wrapped in his embrace and crying until it hurts. Eventually, my sobs subside into small hiccups and then deep breaths. Viktor doesn’t stop stroking my hair. “There, there Katsudon. Everything feels better now doesn’t it? I’ve got you. Shh. It’s ok.” Despite everything, the nickname makes me smile. He’s rocking me gently, like a mother would a child. He leans back against the tree and I snuggle into his embrace.  
“Look at the stars Yuri. Aren’t they beautiful? See how they shine? Just for you, my precious Katsudon.” He points at the sky. “There’s Orion’s belt. That’s the Big Dipper. Oh and over there’s Cassiopeia.” I wonder where he learned all this, but he has such an air of boyish excitement about him that I don’t dare interrupt him. He glances at me, making sure I’m following. I smile, overcome by fondness. His goofy grin is all it takes for me to lean over and give him a tender kiss. This one is sweet and innocent, filled with a love for life and stargazing. When I pull back, he smiles again, and I swear I feel my heart grow three sizes.  
“Viktor…” He puts his finger on my lips, which is all it takes to shut me up.  
“Yuri, you don’t have to say or do anything that you’re not ready for. We can take it slow, at your own pace. I won’t put any pressure on you, got it? Tell me if it’s too much, yeah?”. I smile. This man is to nice for his own good. I admire his face: the strong nose, sharp cheekbones and light lips. If Viktors hair is silver gold in the fading sun, it is like mercury in the moonlight. It seems to shimmer around his head. His eyes seem even more stunning, bright and alive in the pale glow, just like the ocean at our feet. 

“Viktor. You have been unspeakably kind to me in the last few months, more that I could ever deserve. That day you showed up at the hot springs, I thought it was all a dream, that I would wake up the next day and nothing would have changed. When I woke up the next morning and saw you sleeping, I thought I would explode, I was so happy. I couldn’t believe you had come all the way from Russia for a flop like me. I was so scared of messing up, of letting you down. I couldn’t enjoy being with you. But then I won the competition against Yurio, and I knew things would start getting better, because you had chosen me and that was all I could ever hope for.” I take his hand and intertwine our fingers. He kisses each knuckle, softly, tenderly, eyes wide and loving.  
“I’m still scared. God am I ever. I’m terrified of letting you down, of making you disappointed. I can take the blame myself because that’s what I’ve always done, but I don’t think I would be able to take it if people started blaming you. That’s why I’m not going to give them a chance. I swear I’m going to do everything in my power to make you proud. I’m going to train harder, and I’m going to become the best skater this world has ever seen. Including you. I’m going to win the Grand Prix Final for you. Because you are my reason now. I need you to have more faith in me than I do in myself. Can you do that for me Viktor? Please. Promise you’ll believe in me.”  
I’ve lifted myself up so I’m hovering above him; my tears fall onto his cheeks. “Yuri…” The way he says my name is like a priceless secret. He pulls me down by the neck, slowly, slowly. Our lips are so close, I can feel his breath. But it’s not enough. With Viktor, nothing will ever be enough. “I will do whatever it takes to make you happy. I will stand by your side. I love you Yuri -” I cut him off with kiss. This one isn’t at all like the last one, sweet and hesitant. No, it’s passionate and desperate and hot and I can’t get enough I need more more more. He wraps his fingers in my hair and tugs and I fucking whine because holy shit I’m kissing Viktor Nikiforov who just told me he loves me and this can’t be happening so I just hold him closer, tighter and try to never let go. 

Unfortunately for me, humans need to breath, so I reluctantly let him go. I’m panting almost as much as when I ran here, but this time I have a goofy smile on my face and so does Viktor and I’m so happy I might explode. Or maybe start crying again.  
We lay there for a bit, staring at the stars and panting. Viktors cheeks are flushed an adorable shade of pink and his lips are swollen and I take immense pride in thinking I did that. That goddamn hair of his is in his face again, so I push it away and kiss his eyelids. I hear his breath hitch so I keep pressing my lips everywhere on his face: his forehead, his cheekbones, his nose. When I brush his lips with mine, he whines and tries to kiss me, but I chuckle softly and lean down to press my lips to his neck instead. I stay there for what seems like ages, just breathing in his scent; mint, chocolate and coffee. I’m tempted to just stay there under the stars forever, frozen in this perfect moment. It’s not that cold out, and with Viktor beside me, it’s actually warm.  
“Yuri, if we stay out here, you’ll catch a cold. We can’t have that before the competition, can we?” He says it likes he would rather stay out here but I know he’s right. Still, it doesn’t change the fact that I really don’t want to move. I grumble out a response before sitting up. He lifts me by the hands and wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me to his side. We stand still for a moment, looking at the reflection of the moon in the ever moving ocean before he steers me the other way, towards home. “You’re sleeping with me tonight, little piggy. That’s a direct order from your coach.” I bump him lightly with me shoulder.  
“As if I would refuse an offer like that.” Just before heading down the hill, I pull him into a hug and mumble something into his chest. He smiles.  
“Speak up, Katsudon.”  
“I said I love you, you oaf. Now let’s get home. I’m about to fall asleep on my feet.” He grins.  
“I could carry you, if you want.” I barely have time to ask him what he means before he sweeps me onto his back and starts running down the hill. I shriek and cling on as tight as I can. We’re both laughing and we’re probably going to trip and roll the rest of the way down but that’s fine. As long as I’m with Viktor, nothing can hurt me. As long as I’m with Viktor, nothing can stop us. For him, I will survive. Together, we are going to win a Grand Prix Final gold medal. Together, love will win.


End file.
